Sunday, May 01, 2011
Cuts and Bruises
Thanks to Teresa and Suzy for awarding me The Versatile Blogger award.
Now I have to write seven things about myself so I thought I’d forget writing and dysfunctional family and do accidents. When I was growing up my mother refused to move house because we were ‘nice and handy for the Casualty Department’. In other words I’m accident prone. The following is not for the faint-hearted.
1. I’ve a six inch scar on my left thigh. I was seven and fell through a window. When the stitches were out and the scar still raw I visited everyone I knew to show them and they all gave me money. Was this the beginning of a career in accidents?
2. I was eight when I tried riding my bike no hands and no feet. Pity the road had been re-gravelled. It took two years to pick the gravel out of my face and then I had what would now be called facial reconstruction which involved over 100 stitches. The day after coming home from hospital I returned to school. Mom wrote a note to say I wasn’t to swing on the bars – just in case my face exploded. I visited everyone I knew to show them and they all gave me money.
3. When I was ten I invented the skateboard by balancing a short piece of plank on one roller-skate. I then took off down a steep hill, fell on my face, blacked both eyes and broke my nose. I visited everyone I knew to show them and they all gave me money.
4. At eleven a boy stuck a piece of glass in my finger because I wouldn’t kiss him. I’ve an inch scar. I visited everyone I knew to show them and they all gave me money.
5. My back started hurting when I was twenty. At thirty I had discs and bone removed. The scar is twelve inches long.
6. The slash across my wrist is where I had a ganglion removed. It looks like a failed suicide attempt. Don’t have ganglions surgically removed. Mine was back the day after the bandage came off but a friend hit it with a Bible (to drive out the devil) and bandaged a penny over the spot. It didn’t come back after that.
7. Before I actually joined the line-up on Deal or No Deal I was sitting in the audience when one of the crew asked me to leave the studio, ‘quietly and discreetly’ to get ready to take part in the show. I fell down the stairs and knocked myself out. When I opened my eyes the audience were on their feet to see what was going on. The 22 in the line-up were going Nee-naw (ambulance sounds) and the warm-up man, Mark, was standing holding the mic. The producer took me to hospital. I’d damaged the tendons in my foot and ankle and spent a year recovering. Noel was very impressed with my bruises.